Back to that scenario from Journal Entry No. 1.
“If she wants to get together, let her spend the energy.”
If even employing a neutral tone to that statement sounds terribly rude to someone, I think there’s a likely indication of some co-dependency or over-functioning at play. Cuz it’s a version of taking responsibility for someone else’s wants/desires. With, ahem, you doing the work to get them what they want.
(Keeping in mind, the scenario is with someone you don’t really want to get together with).
Throughout my life, I’ve had more than my fair share of co-dependent type behaviors, so I’m familiar with the wince that can go on with expecting someone to do their own work. Especially if they expect you to do their work for them.
Funny, I have no problem adopting the mindset of “If you want something, don’t make others do your work for you” when thinking about myself.
But when it comes to others…expecting them to do their own work for something they want? That can be a little tougher. At least in some situations. But like I said, I’ve had a history of some of that co-dependency thing goin’ on, so, yeah.
Here’s the thing:
Assuming the best about the person’s motives (“she thinks it’d be fun to get together cuz we like each other”) rather than the worst (“she’s impinging on the little free time I have, and wants me to do all the work”) is what’s key for me. It erases criticism.
Then you have a great equation:
0 criticism + 0 over-functioning + best assumption about the person’s motives + letting them do their own work = Healthy, Happy You
(And probably a happy, healthy them too). Maybe. Maybe not.
On a different but related topic, when some people say, “let’s get together” it really means, “I like you.” Or, “This was fun.” Or, “It would be nice — in theory — to get together, but honestly I’m probably not going to make it happen.’”
Other people — this would be my friend and me — actually take “let’s get together” to mean “let’s get together.”
But the literal vs. figurative meaning of “let’s get together” isn’t the problem though.
The problem is feeling responsible to make someone else’s desires happen. The whole over-functioning thing.
“Sounds good! Give me a call.”